You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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