note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
