every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
