Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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