found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
