The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Is it penis luge time yet?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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