So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
