I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize