There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
