"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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