By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I checked into jail on foursquare
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
