matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
