mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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