If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize