We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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