I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize