I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
