Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
