Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
