I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
