Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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