Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
