Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize