But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Be still, my beating vagina.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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