it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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