My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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