I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
