I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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