I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
