I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize