I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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