1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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