I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
