Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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