**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
