like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
