i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think I am morally bankrupt
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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