you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize