I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
