I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
