Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
