Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
