I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
