if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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