Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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