What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
