totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize