Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize