I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
