Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
