I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize