Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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