You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
