Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
