toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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