2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
