Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
