when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
