I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Too much gin, very little bucket
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
