You just made me feel so damn special
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
