You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
