The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
