i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize