I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize