My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
