I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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