hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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