We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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