he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
