What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
